


Halfsies

by thathornypony



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Autocunnilngus, Blood and Gore, Fucked Up, Guro, Masturbation, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Self-Mutilation, autocannibalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 17:39:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15668058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thathornypony/pseuds/thathornypony
Summary: Princess Celestia is thousands of years old. After such a long life, her sexual needs have become rather extreme. She enjoys many things that the average pony does not, like eating herself out. Of course, that is a sex act that requires more flexibility than she has. That is not a problem, though, being immortal, she has... other ways of getting the reach she needs.





	Halfsies

Celestia laid her crown aside as she walked into her chambers. Some aggressive scheduling had left her evening free of any royal duties. These were rare things, and she pondered how to spend the precious time. While she hadn't decided exactly what she was going to do, she knew she wasn't feeling like behaving very princesslike. She shook her head, laughing at herself. Despite that statement, she was still thinking to politely. What she meant, was that she was horny, and needed to figure out how she was going to get off.

There were many options available to her. The easiest thing would be to just have a couple of guards come in and rut her. But she didn't feel like that. It had been fun the first time she had realized she could do that, but that was centuries ago. Even having ten stallions run a train on you got boring eventually.

That also ruled out volunteering at a brothel—in disguise, of course. That had an added, illicit thrill, but not enough.

Celestia lay on her bed, wallowing in sexual ennui. How long had it been since just her hooves were enough to pleasure her? Not since Luna had been banished at least. There was a slight stirring in her loins as she remembered how, as a way of punishing herself for having let that happened, she put herself in stocks in front of the castle and invited everypony to use her. She hadn't intended for it to feel good, but there was something about depravity and degradation that just lit a fire in her.

Being a princess was a double-edged sword in that regard. The glamour of royalty meant that she had so deliciously far to fall. It also meant that one of the few luxuries she did not have was indulging those urges; Equestria needed her.

Well right now she needed dick, or something like it. She was alone, so there was nopony who could stop her. As she thought, she brought her hoof, which had been idly playing with her pussy, to her mouth and licked it clean.  _Mmmm, I taste good_ , Celestia thought. She really didn't take enough time to enjoy her own body, she mused. Maybe after getting fucked by more and more stallions, what she really needed was to take a step back, and enjoy herself.

Her hooves still didn't excite her, though. And dildos were just like stallions, but plastic. She let a few tendrils of magic play across the walls of her pussy, and that sent a tingle up her spine. But that was just so... conventional. Every unicorn in Equestria masturbated like that.

Suddenly the taste of her juices in her mouth turned into an idea. Something she had not done in a long time.  _Far too long_ , she thought. She stood up, and, levitating a sword off her mantle, trotted into her bathroom.

She didn't really need the sword, magic would do the job just fine—better, in a lot of way, actually. But sometimes it was more fun to do things the old fashioned way, and fun was just what she was after.

She locked the door behind her. Then her horn glowed, and a layer of magical soundproofing shimmered over the walls of the room. Nopony would disturb her, nor she anypony else.

She climbed into the bathtub. She wanted to contain the mess she was about to make; she wouldn't exactly be able to have the servants clean it up for her. The bathtub was truly fit for a princess, it was more like a pool it was so spacious.

She took a deep breath. And another. Her tail raised in anticipation. Her magic pulled the sword from its sheathe, and held it up straight. She gasped as the cold steel bit into her side. Instinct pulled it away from her. She turned and looked at the thin red line crossing her midsection vertically. She took more deep breaths.  _You can do this, Celestia, you've done this before._

With greater determination, she lifted the sword again and pushed it edgewise into herself. She looked back, watching as more and more of the blade sank and disappeared beneath her hide. She whinnied loudly in pain. It felt like her side was on fire. Blood was dripping out of the wound and onto the bottom of the tub. And then there was the blade, its presence impossible to ignore. She really like being penetrated, but she had never felt a penis as  _intrusive_  as the sword. Through the haze of pain she cast another spell, sealing the edges of her injury. She did not want to lose too much blood to fast. She was only just beginning.

She cut deeper. She angled the blade downward and started slicing through her belly. The sword was in to the hilt as she brought it around the bottom, disemboweling herself. The severed ends of her intestines burst out of the gash, spilling across the bottom of the tub. She was in agony, complete agony. She was sweating like she had just run a hundred miles; every twitch made the searing pain flare even hotter; the edges of her vision were white.

A normal pony would have passed out long ago. A normal pony probably would have died already. But Celestia was not a normal pony. She stayed upright and (mostly) alert despite the horrible pain. She  _liked_  the pain. And besides, it was for a good cause.

She focused, though it was difficult. There was only a little bit more cutting left, and she would be divided completely in half. But this last bit was the trickiest. She couldn't just cut through her spine, because then she would lose all the feeling in the back half of her body. And how was she supposed to masturbate if she couldn't feel her pussy?

It took a couple of tries—casting magic is hard when you're being cut in half, even if you do enjoy it—but finally she got a glowing yellow ring to surround her spinal cord, now the only thing joining the two ends of her body. Then, swallowing, she pulled the sword out. It made a sucking sound. Then she raised it high and brought it down hard, severing her spine.

She toppled over, both halves of her body now only supported by two legs. She felt herself thrashing around instinctually. Soon she calmed herself, forcing everything to stay still. She kicked her back hoof. That was good, it meant the magical connection between her two halves was working.

Now came the fun part. She levitated her back half and put it down in front of her. As it passed over her head, she felt something fall out, bounce off her face and plop onto the ground. She looked down. It was a kidney.

She ignored that for the moment. What was more important was that she had her own ass in front of her. She raised her tail to look at her dripping cunt. She wrapped her front hooves around her back legs, and buried her face in it.

Generally, she preferred to have her pussy eaten to eating it. But she made an exception for her own. There was nopony who knew what to do to her pussy like she did. She greedily lapped up all the wetness she could reach, reveling in the sweet taste of her juices. This was so much better than getting them off her hoof. She stuck her muzzle and tongue as far up her snatch as she could, like she was being chased up it by the pain behind her.

That wasn't going to make her cum, but it did feel really damn good, and it made her even wetter.

She pulled away. A strand of her cum came with her, joining her front lips to her back ones. She licked it up. Then she put her eyes on the prize. It was funny. That little nub of smooth pink flesh seemed so small, far to small to give her the pleasure it had, and was about to. She loved her little pink nub, yet she hardly ever saw it.

She licked it, and that sent real sparks flying. She licked it again, this time following through and ringing her tongue up across the edges of her slit. She licked it again, enjoying the salty taste of flesh mingling with the sweetness of her juices. She licked it again, curling her tongue against it as she brought her lips around it to suckle it. Her pussy winked around her own nose.

And she couldn't stand being delicate anymore. She pressed her face in hard. She sucked on her clit, slurping on it. When she paused to breath her long tongue lashed against it, swirled this way in that.

It didn't block out the pain. She was still in horrible agony from her wound. But she liked the pain. The pain mixed with pleasure felt better than either sensation alone. Though the pleasure by itself was great—she reveled in the dual sensation of licking and feeling herself licked, of feeling her pussy twitch and feeling that twitch against her face. She was close. Her magic gripped her tail, yanking on it hard.

That sent her over the edge. She came. Hard. Electric pleasure shot through her. She felt it wash forward from her clit as her pussy clenched around her muzzle, through her belly, and, thanks to her spell, across the gap made by her cut and up behind again to bring a moan from her lips and puts stars in her eyes.

She was not a squirter, though she wished she was. So many stallions had exploded in her mouth, and she wanted to also. But even though her juices were dripping steadily from her, they came thick and slow.

Even so, it was the most intense orgasm she had had in a long time. Why didn't she do this more often. She would have arched her back if it had been in one piece.

She lay there, panting as it subsided. Her fallen kidney caught her eye again, and she picked it up, turning it in front of her.

She was going to continue pleasuring herself, but suddenly she thought she'd take a little break, just for a moment. As she looked at her kidney, she recalled that it was a delicacy in the griffon lands. And while they had never thought of serving her them at official dinners, she had always wondered how they tasted. Her magic fried the thing in an instant, filling the room with the unfamiliar smell of cooked meat. She took a bite, and chewed it thoughtfully. While she didn't know how to describe the taste, it was not bad. She could understand why those griffons liked this. As she finished it, she made a mental note to ask for one next time she was visiting Griffonstone.

But that was enough of snacktime, she turned her attention back to her pussy, which was begging for it. She started eating herself out again. Now that she had cleared the way, her second orgasm came easily. She groaned loudly as she shuddered in pleasure.

She couldn't help but escalate things even farther for the third round. She was never satisfied, she always needed her sex even more extreme. It occurred to Celestia now, that only a very small part of her clit was available to her. There was so much more than that little exposed nub buried in her flesh. She used her magic as a scalpel, making long, careful cuts along the bottom of her pussy.

It was slow work, agonizing in every sense of the word, but eventually, she pulled out of her a core of flesh: her entire clitoris. It floated in her magic, cut completely free of her pussy. She put it in her mouth. And nearly passed out. The world flashed white as her lips closed around it. Her vision swam as her tongue touched it. She didn't know whether all this was from pain or pleasure—but that was the good thing about being a masochist like her, it was all the same in the end.

Celestia wasn't sure if she actually came from her little trick, because soon she really did pass out. When she woke up she was cold, barely able to move. Her spells had stopped, breaking the link between her two halves. She had fallen, and her face was resting on her back half. As she moved her cheek against her ass, she only felt it from one side. It was only a huge lump of meat in front of her now, nothing she could get pleasure out of.

More importantly, the spell keeping the wounds contained had also given out. The tub was filled several inches deep with her blood. She looked on weakly as various guts floated in it. She really should not have been alive.

But she was, and had no plans on dying anytime soon. She was weak from all the blood loss, but she was still able to lift her severed body in her magic. As she lifted it, her front no longer had anything to rest on, and she pitched down, soaking her face red. She didn't pay any attention to that as she realigned her mutilated body.

She looked around for her clitoris, wanting to put it back in place her self instead of waiting for it to regrow. But there was no sign of it as she poked through her blood. She realized she must have swallowed it and laughed. "Oh I  _must_  do this again," she giggled to herself. But for the moment there was nothing else to do but close her eyes and rest. Her alicorn magic would take care of everything else.


End file.
